Sex Toy Shoplifting Roundup

Our news feeds feature sex toy shoplifting stories now and then. Here are some of the better ones. The moral of this story: just pay for your goddamn sex toy.

Manatee County, Florida: Alexander Marcelino Perez, who sorta looks like Screech in his mugshot, went to a local Spencer’s and asked for a job application. “But instead of filling out an application, the Bradenton teen went to the rear of the store where he was observed by a security officer swiping a ‘Super Sucker’ adult pleasure gadget from the shelf. After removing the packaging, he reportedly stuck the $16.99 sex toy inside his pocket.” The guard arrested Perez when he left the store without paying.

Eureka, California: Kevin Gillespie tried shoplifting an unidentified sex toy from the Good Relations Lovers Boutique. A female employee chased him several blocks until the police showed up and arrested him. “Witnesses say the employee who chased Gillespie couldn’t help but laugh as she told responding officers what happened and what he took.”

Spartanburg, South Carolina: Benjamin Greene was busted trying to shoplift a Finally Mylie! blowup doll. He slipped the plastic doll out of its packaging, hid it inside his jacket and tried to walk out. When an employee confronted him, he dropped the doll onto the floor.

Logan, Utah: Some dude shoplifted a $32 sex toy from the Persian Peacock. Video surveillance cameras got a clear look at him. Store owner Jessica McWhinnie decided not to call the cops; instead she posted a Facebook message. “You’ve got until Saturday to come back and pay for it. If not, we’re going to post the video of you swiping said toy. In fact, we’re going to go ahead and make this our new store policy.” It worked. The store now sports this sign:

Persian Peacock Logan Utah shoplifting sign