Inserting Eels Up Your Butt: A Beginner’s Guide

There’s a famous urban legend about a male celebrity who once put a live gerbil in his rectum. Not a true story, of course. Probably not. But there’s no doubt that people have slipped all manner of strange things up their butts, penises and vaginas.

Why? Because people are horny, people are weird, people have an innate drive to push the limits of knowledge and experience, and because people are stupid.

One recent trend in weird news stories keeps popping up in my dazesurfing — people putting live eels up their butts.

Flash: China. 2010. Man in Sichuan dies after friends insert eel up his arse as a joke.

The 59-year-old man, a chef, was reportedly taken to a Sichuan hospital complaining of abdominal pain, dehydration and a great deal of anal bleeding. He was soon diagnosed as being in a severe state of shock.

Doctors were mystified as to the cause, and obtained permission from his family to undertake an exploratory laparotomy. Cutting open his innards, they discovered a 50cm long Asian swamp eel lodged in his rectum.

The likely cause was eventually established – he had apparently been drinking with friends, and had passed out. His friends had decided it would be amusing to insert a live eel into his anus whilst he was comatose.

This might have been a good time for the 59-year-old chef to find some better friends, but he died. Bros will be bros.

Flash: China. 2010. Eel went into man’s rectum in bathtub.

All we have on this one is a robotranslated Chinese news item. In a nutshell: man buys a live eel to prepare for dinner, puts it in his bathtub until he’s ready to cook it, gets hot and decides to take a bath, forgets the eel is in there, eel squeezes into the man’s anus, man tries to pull it out but it’s too slippery, the eel travels to the man’s intestines while trying to bite its way free, man is too embarrassed to seek help and tries to keep working, eventually he collapses and gets taken to the emergency room, where a 5-hour operation removes the eel.

The “accidental” explanation sounds questionable. It’s just possible the dude put the eel up there himself for kicks, then concocted the bathtub story out of embarrassment.

Flash: New Zealand. 2012. Hospital removes eel from man’s bum.

The unnamed individual presented himself at the A&E department at Auckland City Hospital to explain his embarrassing problem.

It is believed the patient was sent for X-rays and a scan, which showed there was an eel lodged inside him.

“The eel was about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus and the incident is the talk of the place,” a hospital source said. “Doctors and nurses have come across people with strange objects that have got stuck where they shouldn’t be before, but an eel has to be a first.”

Doctors removed the eel, and the patient survived this time. Months later, the Hospital disciplined 33 staffers for “snooping at x-rays and other information” on the eel insertion patient.

Flash: China. 2013. Man has eel surgically removed from his stomach in Shunde.

A man had a 1 kilogram eel surgically removed from his stomach at Shunde People’s Hospital on April 3.

The following day, it was alleged online by a blogger thought to be a doctor at the hospital that the man had let the eel crawl up his anus after seeing the same thing happen in a porn film, only to discover that it had gotten stuck there.

Despite having the 50 cm eel safely removed, the 39 year-old man is still in hospital.

Unfortunately the article does not identify which porn film the man was emulating. Is this a new genre I’m just hearing about?