Busted Sex in Public Roundup

I’m a devotee of sex in public and sex in public news stories, and I’ve got a bunch bookmarked from the various “quirky” news wires I check, so let’s clear them out.

Dateline — Ukraine. Couple having sex on railroad tracks hit by train.

A daredevil pair of drunken Ukrainian lovers were hit by a train as they had sex on the tracks.

The woman, in her 30s, was killed instantly as the locomotive slammed into them in the city of Zaporozhye on Saturday morning.

Her 41-year-old partner survived the impact, but reportedly lost both his legs.

Ukrainian Interior Ministry officials said they “failed to overcome their natural passion when walking home.”

There’s a moral to this story: DON’T HAVE SEX ON RAILROAD TRACKS. Sorry if that sounds mean, but having sex on railroad tracks is just too stupid for me to generate sympathy. Why not just fail to overcome your natural passion NEAR the railroad tracks, then later tell everyone you did it on the tracks? Win win.

Dateline — six miles over the north Atlantic. Drunken British woman busted for loud sex on Las Vegas flight.

The frisky flier, in her 20s, was reportedly busted romping in the restroom on the Virgin flight from London’s Gatwick Airport last week.

Attendants are said to have busted down the door after receiving complaints about the loud sex noises the duo were making.

She then allegedly had to be cuffed [to her seat] after screaming abuse at the crew.

One passenger said the woman, who has not been named, was traveling with her mom and dad when she started getting steamy with the man in the next seat.

“Traveling with her mom and dad” is what really makes this story special. The remainder of that flight must have been awkward. And where did “the man in the next seat” sit for the rest of the flight? (I first heard this story on a Chelsea Lately roundtable, but the video doesn’t seem to be online.)

Dateline — Tennessee. Police: Man attempted sex with ATM, picnic table at Murfreesboro bar.

“Mr. Hutton entered the bar and walked to the ATM. Once at the ATM, Mr. Hutton pulled down his pants and underwear exposing his genitals, Mr. Hutton then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM,” [Officer] Rickard said.

The suspect then walked around the bar wearing no pants while he thrust his hips in the air, witnesses told the officer. Bar staff then escorted Hutton outside, Rickard said.

“Once outside Mr. Hutton again exposed himself and (attempted to) engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table,” Rickard said.

The officer said Hutton appeared intoxicated and smelled of alcohol.

Sexual intercourse with the ATM I can sort of picture. There’s a slot where the money comes out, which is often around belt high. Wrong shape, but close enough for someone that fucked up. But how exactly does one simulate sex with a picnic table?

Dateline — Spain. Couple caught having sex next to cash machine.

The randy pair stripped naked – aside from their socks – in a bank foyer in Oviedo, northern Spain, before getting down and dirty on the floor beside the ATM.

Various items of clothing, including a belt, pair of jeans and trainers, could be seen around them.

While they cavorted, baffled passers-by took pictures which eventually making their way online.

The lovers appeared unfazed by their audience, who were laughing, applauding and taking dozens of pictures.

Click through for one of those photos. Police eventually showed up to break up the party. I have a hunch alcohol was involved this time too.

Dateline — Spain again. Woman falls into well during outdoor sex session.

The couple met on Friday night in Ciudad Real, a city in Castilla-La Mancha region of central Spain at a park where young people gather for outdoor drinking parties known as “el botellon”.

They found a quiet corner in the park to have sex but did not realise that their movements had dislodged a waterwheel well shaft cover and the woman, named locally as Edelia Aponte, 21, tumbled through the gap.

In a rather ungallant move, the as yet unnamed man fled, leaving her trapped in the ten metre hole where she remained shivering in water for half an hour before firefighters pulled her, half naked, from the well shaft.

The decline of chivalry among modern men galls me. Being a little freaky does not absolve you of common decency. When a young lady is gracious and freaky enough to engage in a late-night semi-public romp, if she accidentally falls down a well, it’s NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR for a gentleman to flee the scene. Call 911, buckle up your pants and keep your terrified date company until emergency personnel arrive.

Seriously, this asshole deserves a beatdown.

Dateline — Wales. Headteacher and colleague suspended after school ‘sex tape’ is posted online.

A headteacher and a colleague have been suspended after video footage of alleged sex noises from inside a school office were posted online.

The footage was allegedly filmed inside Ysgol Bryn Tawe school in Swansea.

It shows a closed office door with what is claimed to be sex noises coming from inside the office.

The school has now been besieged by concerns from parents and the clip has been watched and shared hundreds of times on sites such as Facebook and YouTube.

Although officials have refused to comment on the video’s contents, chair of governors Heini Gruffudd issued a statement saying [both sex noisemakers] had been suspended.

The suspended duo were a 50-year-old male headteacher and a 36-year-old female chemistry teacher.

As far as I’m concerned, anyone willing to work full-time teaching high school kids deserves profound gratitude and an enormous amount of leeway. If two consenting adults working ten-hour days want to blow off some steam in a private office behind closed doors, that’s their business. At least they were fucking each other, not students. If anything, the smug punks who thought it fun to stand outside the door, tape-record the sex noises and post the tape online are the ones who deserve punishment. Give them all a good caning, confiscate and smash their mobiles, then make them write “Snitches Get Stitches” on a blackboard one thousand times. And their “concerned parents” need to grow the fuck up and beg those teachers’ forgiveness.